There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
