im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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