She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
