my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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