I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
