ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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