walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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