if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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