i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
