Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
