upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
