Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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