I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
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She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.