the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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