My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
