I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
