It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
