did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
