I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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