It's Friday. Sex?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
