cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize