I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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