I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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