Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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