went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
