she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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