His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm always down for nudity.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
