Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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