don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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