Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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