i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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