pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
