life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
