Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
