life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
