I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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