You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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