Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
