I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
