My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
