how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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