please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize