my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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