my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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