i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize
