i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Randomize
