Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
