New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
