what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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