guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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