I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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