I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
