Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
