Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
