My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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