I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
