I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
