I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
